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One of my most popular blog posts, and certainly the most consistently popular, was about the process of repairing an antique soda siphon. That was just over 6 months ago.  Since then I have had to make a couple more repairs. I have also learned a few things – some from comments left by readers of that post. Because that posting has proven to be so popular (who knew so many people wanted to repair old soda siphons) I decided it was time to post an update with new photos and new information.


DISCLAIMER: The information provided here is for entertainment purposes only.  I do not know if the materials used by Sparklets, or any other early soda siphon makers, meet current standards for safety for drinking water. Furthermore, the gasket forming materials used in this project are not labeled for use in contact with food or beverages. If you should attempt to repair your own soda siphon using the information below, whether successful or not, I guarantee that you and everyone you know will die a horrible death in screaming agony. You have been warned.


After repairing my Sparklets siphon with my re-created rubber components, it worked well for several months. However, eventually the gasket at the gas input port blew out. I took another look at the original (which I had saved.) It was clear that my original casting was rather crude, missing some fine details of varying thickness on the outside of the part. I decided to re-cast it, putting only the thinnest possible layer of Vaseline on the original so that the fidelity of the part would be maintained. After re-casting, I also carefully ground and polished out the surface of the plaster to make the ridges as robust as possible.

When it came time to make the new part, I followed the advice of a commentator on my original post. He noted that my problems with getting the gasket forming material to harden were the result of using Vaseline on the mold as a mold-release. I removed every trace of Vaseline left over from casting the part, and I used a non-petroleum lubricant as suggested - I skipped the cornstarch additive. It took a couple of days for the part to set up. Even with all that time I had to remove the top of the mold to allow the rest to fully cure before removing the newly formed gasket from the bottom half of the mold. It was also much more difficult to get the part out than it had been with Vaseline. However, the resultant gasket was much firmer and sturdier than my prior component.

Siphon head, charger piercing pin, gasket, and retaining ring.

Given the quality of this new piece, I also re-cast the gasket for the top of the bottle. Because of the problems getting the gasket material to set, I decided to add just a small amount of cornstarch. It still took a long time to cure (though not as long) and the part was strong and high quality. I believe that a bit more experimentation could come up with the perfect corn-starch to gasket forming material ratio. If any readers have been playing with this, I’d love to hear what you have found.


My new bottle top gasket

The bottle top gasket on its glass rod

A second problem also arose during the past months. Water began spurting out from the gas port every time I attempted to carbonate. I suspected the interior stopper had gone bad again. However, when I took everything apart it all looked fine. When I had originally disassembled the siphon I skipped removing the gas port from the siphon head. It had been completely frozen in place, and it hadn’t seemed to matter. At this point, with nowhere else to look, I realized that it had to come out.

An 11mm box end wrench fits the indents on the gas inlet

I saturated the part with 3-in-1 oil and waited. After a day I tried to unscrew it using an 11mm box end wrench. No luck. It was stuck fast. I applied more oil and gave it another day. Still no joy. Finally I put the whole head into a bench vice (protected by blocks of wood), fit the wrench to the gas input port, and hit it with a hammer. A couple good solid whacks broke the gas port free of its decades long embrace.

All the parts inside the gas inlet

Inside I found a completely degraded red fiber gasket, corroded aluminum threads, and a rubber topped plunger set on a spring. Immediately the rubber crumbed into dust. The fiber gasket was easy to replace (though I had to ream the replacement out slightly to make it fit.) For the destroyed rubber disk I took a piece of sheet rubber from my collection of odds-n-ends. A 7mm hole punch produced a disk of exactly the right size to sit on top of the plunger without impeding movement within its channel. Carefully I scrubbed out all the corrosion, put the system together with all of the new parts, and resumed cheerfully making Sparklets soda.

A 7mm hole punch makes just the right size rubber disk

I hope these new tips and photos are helpful to people that may be attempting a similarly foolish project in their own homes.  Enjoy!



Some of the most frequent questions I have received pertained to dissasembly of the siphon head. Here are some additional photos showing some of the steps.

Remove the hinge pin by knocking it out with a hammer and a suitably sized nail.

To remove the crown from the siphon head, I used a tool designed to remove  the backs of
wrist watches. It is very sturdy and has adjustable pins. They are available quite cheaply on Amazon.

After removing the handle and the crown you can take out the spring and then the  plunger.

The lever, hinge pin, crown, spring, and plunger.

I needed something thin and strong to unscrew the ring that holds the gas port gasket in place. I found that these scissors worked perfectly (using the dull, outside edge.) Anything thin but strong and rigid should work.

All of the parts disassembled and laid out for your viewing enjoyment.

[I WANT, part 2] -- [I WANT, part 1]

I DON'T DESERVE TO WANT
don't be ridiculous, everyone deserves to want
I HAVE SO MUCH, I DON'T DESERVE TO WANT
you have a human heart. the human heart wants
THE HUMAN HEART WANTS?
you have to want. if you don't want, you are dead.


ISN'T WANTING THE SOURCE OF ALL SUFFERING?
yes.


YES? THAT'S IT? JUST "YES"?
yes.


I HAVE SO MUCH, I DON'T DESERVE ANY MORE
how do you know?
BECAUSE IT FEELS WRONG TO WANT
how do you measure what you deserve?
I WANT, BUT I FEEL ASHAMED
perhaps you should want to feel more deserving.


I WANT TO STOP WANTING
is that some kind of stupid logic trick
SHIT


I WANT! I WANT! I WANT! BUT I DON'T DESERVE TO WANT
deserve has nothing to do with it
WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE DESERVING HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT
because you want it to
NOW WHO'S USING STUPID LOGIC TRICKS
shit



WHY WON'T YOU GIVE ME WHAT I WANT?
what makes you think i have what you want?
SOMEONE HAS WHAT I WANT
you have what someone wants



GIVE ME WHAT I WANT, OR GO AWAY

HELLO?

HELLO?

SHIT.

THAT WASN'T WHAT I WANTED.

[I WANT, part 4]

For as long as I have known him, my friend William Rubel has been studying bread. As a member of the Culinary Historians of Northern California, I was privileged to taste a slice from a loaf of manchet that William baked. It was spectacular. Of course, it isn't fair to simply say that he baked it. He acquired historic wheat seeds from a seed bank, had a farmer grow the wheat, ground it, and then separated out only the finest white portion (as is required for manchet) by hand using a series of progressively finer bolting cloths.

For the past several years he has been working on his magnum opus - expected to be the definitive work on the leavened breads of Europe. About two years ago, Andy Smith asked William to write "a little book" about bread for the Edible Series he was editing for Reaktion Books. Having spent so much time studying bread in great detail, writing a small, 150 page book should have been a snap.

I'm sure many people in this circumstance would have "phoned it in" (so to speak.) But not William. Instead he took this as an opportunity to refine his entire way of thinking about bread. For years he had been focused on the minutia of European leavened breads - suddenly he was being asked to step back and take a look at bread in a very broad context.

Bread isn't just a food, he realized, it is a product. Moreover, it has been a staple food for most of the peoples of the world for most of the history mankind. With a few exceptions (e.g. manioc), it is the most highly manipulated staple food in the world. How curious, William realized, that the most important staple food product in the world is not a crop - it is a product, and as a product it is a pure reflection of culture. In the end, William spent two years writing a "little book" about bread - but it is a very big little book!

Bread: A Global History, by William Rubel is available from all the usual sources, including Amazon.com. You can also listen to an excellent interview with him about the subject on The Heritage Radio Network. Well worth reading and listening.

[I WANT, part 1]

I WANT
so what is it that you want, anyway?
A CIGARETTE
COCAINE
TO GET LAID
ICE CREAM
A HUG
A NAP
MY MOMMY
TO BE LEFT ALONE
TO NOT BE LEFT ALONE
me too.


I WANT A CIGARETTE COCAINE TO GET LAID ICE CREAM A HUG A NAP MY MOMMY TO BE LEFT ALONE TO NOT BE LEFT ALONE
i don't believe you
WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
because you have had all those things and you still want


I WANT A CIGARETTE COCAINE TO GET LAID ICE CREAM A HUG A NAP MY MOMMY TO BE LEFT ALONE TO NOT BE LEFT ALONE
i still don't believe you
WHY? WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?
because you can have any of those things right now, if you want them.


NO. I CAN'T HAVE ANY OF THEM
yes, you can have any of them
I CAN'T NOT BE LEFT ALONE
i don't understand
I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE
you don't want to be left alone?
I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE
but you said you wanted to be left alone
I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE. NOT ALL ALONE. JUST ME. ALL ALONE. I DON'T WANT TO BE LEFT ALL ALONE.
you "don't want"? what happened to "i want"?


I WAN'T TO BE REMEMBERED
i remember.

[I WANT, part 3]

When I did my landscaping a couple years back, I put in some sour orange trees. They are very attractive in the landscape with shiny, dark, evergreen leaves, and bright orange fruit. Of course, I also had a culinary ulterior motive: marmalade. After some study I chose the Chinotto orange (Citrus aurantium var. myrtifolia), referred to as a “Myrtle-leaved orange” in English. While it is not exactly the same as the Seville orange of marmalade fame (Citrus aurantium 'Seville'), it is very close, and frankly it is a more attractive plant. Eventually my three trees were so heavy with beautiful orange fruit that I was afraid their branches might break. Time to cook!


I read over several marmalade recipes, but I wasn’t entirely happy with any of them. In the end I decided that I wanted to go with a no-added-pectin approach. I chose three recipes and picked the parts I liked from each. One was from David Lebovitz. The second appeared on the Simply Recipes site. The final recipe was by “The Marmalade Man” - he does call for added pectin, but hey, he’s “The Marmalade Man,” right?

There is much debate as to whether true orange marmalade is made with or without the peels’ pith. There are those that claim that keeping the pith will make the marmalade too bitter. Others say that is not true and that the pith is valuable for its pectin. A quick review of the recipes on PunkDomestics.com shows both sides of the argument. A year earlier I had tried making Kaffir lime sorbet that came out so bitter that it was borderline inedible - even after hammering it with sugar. So, for my marmalade I decided to take the advice of the “no pith” crowd.

The problem is that to make marmalade without added pectin and without pith, requires separating out all the parts of an orange, using what I wanted (zest, juice, and pectin from the seeds) and keeping the rest from the finished product. Unfortunately, the oranges had other ideas about being dismembered. To make matters worse, my oranges were clearly far smaller than those being used by the various recipes’ authors. In all of the images accompanying the recipes, the oranges appear to be a good two to three inches in diameter. My harvest had produced 50 or 60 oranges, ranging from ½ inch to maybe two inches across. This multiplied my challenge many times over.

Initially working from Lebovitz’s instructions, I cut all of my oranges in half and laboriously juiced them – keeping the juice in one container, the seeds and guts in another, and a hefty pile of shells in a third. This process took so long that I ran out of time to do anything else that day. I moved each bowl of citrus-parts into containers and put them in the fridge overnight.

The next day I soldiered on, intent on creating the best marmalade ever to grace a slice of toast. Lebovitz’s next instruction is to thinly slice the peels, but, since I was going “pith free,” I switched over to Simply Recipes for instruction. They merely say “Taking a clean juiced orange half rind, use a spoon to dig out as much of the white pith as you can.” OK. No problem. Well, actually, problem. It seems that my orange rinds were reluctant to part with their piths. I tried all kinds of spoons, including my favorite go-to spoon for scraping - a metal flat bottomed Asian spoon [Which is also my favorite spoon for tasting and a dozen other things]. No joy. I tried a melon-baller, but it was just a modest improvement.


I tried smooshing the halves flat and scraping with a knife. Nope. I tried slicing the rind from the pith with my chef’s knife and then with a mandolin. Even with a Kevlar glove that was a waste of time and potentially dangerous. Two hours later I had cleaned the pith from less than a quarter of the oranges and made a hell of a mess to boot. I gave up, put everything back in the fridge and cleaned the kitchen.


Returning to the task the following day – day three and I hadn't fired up the stove yet – I looked at the bowl of orange rinds with grim determination. Clearly this was a job requiring hardware - real hardware, not the delicate tools of the kitchen. This required power tools. I descended to my workshop to consider my options. Among my plumbing supplies I found my answer: a fitting and cleaning brush.


I cut the handle off with a hacksaw, fit the shaft into my nice, lightweight, compact Milwaukee lithium-ion drill, and headed back to the kitchen to do battle. I threw the container of orange peels into the sink and hit them my with homemade power reamer.


Good golly Miss Molly, the pith went flying. A half hour later the sink was caked with orange pith and the brush was ruined, but all of my orange peels were clean as a whistle.


All that remained was the relatively simple task of slicing the peels and cooking the marmalade to the right consistency:


A few hours later I had my first batch of homemade, home grown, home-MacGyerized marmalade. It only took 3 days, and I can honestly say that it is the best orange marmalade I have ever tasted.



I WANT
what?
I WANT
yes, I know. guess what... it's hard
YES, ITS HARD
it's hard work
I DON'T WANT TO DO THE HARD WORK
ok, then you don't get what you want
BUT, I WANT
what are you going to do about that?
I'M GOING TO HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I GET WHAT I WANT
well, that's one strategy.


I WANT
i thought you were holding your breath.
I WAS
so, what happened?
IT DIDN'T WORK
are you surprised?


I WANT! I WANT! I WANT!
i don't think that is getting you anywhere
I CAN'T STOP WANTING
"can't." that is an interesting word to use
I WANT
why can't you stop wanting?
I DON'T KNOW
maybe you should find out
I DON'T WANT TO
maybe not wanting is a start.


WHY WON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME WHAT I WANT?
and then what?
AND THEN I WON'T WANT
do you really believe that?
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT
i'm sure you do.

[I WANT, part 2]


Last February I went to see a performance of The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs by Mike Daisey at the Berkeley Reparatory Theater in Berkeley, CA. I had gone to see the play at the strong recommendation of my friends “Dick” and “Jane.” [Their real names? Hardly. Do you think I actually know a couple named “Dick and Jane”?] Jane had seen the performance with some of her friends and was so moved that she insisted Dick go to see it too. Dick invited me to join him – both because we are friends and because of my tech background. I haven't been to much live theater in recent years, but my favorite type of theater is monologues – notably Spaulding Grey and Dawson Nichols, and also the story telling of performers such as Laurie Anderson and Ivan Coyote. The combination of a monologue-performance, techie subject matter, and the opportunity to spend time with my friend Dick, made me readily accept the invitation.

I recall finding the first 15 minutes of the show rather hard to take. Daisey does a lot of shouting in this performance. I found myself feeling... um... shouted at. However, Daisey’s speaking rhythm became hypnotic and the story he was telling was mesmerizing. I was spellbound and transported during the performance. I stayed with him even through points when he was talking about historical tech events where I was present, such as the amazing work done at Xerox PARC developing the Altos computer in the early 1980’s. [Note: I did not work at Xerox PARC and had no involvement creating the Altos. However, I was close friends with two people who did, and I was a guest there on several occasions and had the opportunity to “play” with those early GUI machines.] At the end of the show the audience gave Mike Daisey a standing ovation – I am sure I was one of the first on my feet.

When I got home I immediately checked on the availability of tickets for either The Agony and The Ecstasy or The Last Cargo Cult (another play he was performing at the Rep.) Both were sold out. Oh well. I “friended” Mike on Facebook. I searched for videos of him on YouTube and watched all that I found, including interviews with him about several plays including this one, promotional material, and other short pieces he had done. I also checked his performance schedule for the rest of the country and contacted friends of mine living in his upcoming cities - vigorously recommending that they go to see this show.

The only person that took me up on the suggestion was my cousin in Washington D.C. He went with his wife, several friends, and his brother-in-law, “Fred”, who has been a computer magazine journalist for 20+ years. My cousin, his wife, and his friends were all deeply moved by the show. Fred wasn’t. He said that the story was full of holes. He had been to China and was familiar with Foxconn and the other players there. He wasn’t buying it.

Now I should mention that since marrying another of my cousins, Fred has become a friend of mine. [My cousin in DC is the eldest of my father’s brother’s three children. The youngest of the three is the same age as I am, and she married Fred. Thus, Fred is the brother-in-law of my DC cousin and my cousin-in-law. He is approximately my age.] I have always liked Fred and found him bright and interesting. I’ve also enjoyed many geek-talk conversations with him as a pleasant respite at family functions.

With that in mind, I have to admit that when I heard of Fred’s reaction to the play, I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe my own personal friend and family-in-law. Daisey’s performance had been so compelling that I bought it hook, line and sinker.

One thing that Mike Daisy did that helped me disbelieve my own credible source is that he had thrown in what I call a “disbelief antidote.” He stated and implied, both during the play and in subsequent interviews, that going through ordinary journalistic channels he hadn’t been able to learn any more than the standard party line. But by going there himself, in person, not as a journalist, not through standard channels, using subterfuge and back-channels, he had learned the true story.

What an appealing notion! In the 1970’s a room full of White House reporters learned nothing of the Nixon administration’s “dirty tricks,” but Woodward and Bernstein found their “deep throat” and uncovered the truth. The Iran-Contra affair went on for years until it was exposed by an Iranian in a Lebanese magazine. PBS’s Frontline goes undercover to deeply investigate stories that the 24-hour mainstream media doesn’t seem to have time to research. Mike Daisey, a private citizen, breaks the silence of the Chinese propaganda machine. A very appealing story-line, and one that allowed me to disregard the opinions of my own journalist cousin-in-law. Clearly Fred had been fed the same party line that Daisey had cleverly gotten past. Ha ha!

So it was quite disturbing to learn more than a year later that the NPR program “This American Life” had determined that large parts of Mike Daisey’s show were fabrications and others monumental exaggerations. In particular, the most compelling and moving parts of the story were fiction. But why do I care? I went to the theater to see a performance, not a lecture. Yes, I was deeply moved and entertained by the show. Why should I care about its veracity? Do I expect Fiddler on the Roof, or Star Wars, or Law & Order to be factually correct? Of course not. Why am I upset to learn that The Agony is actually creative non-fiction, or perhaps fictionalized history?

The answer to my disappointment lies entirely within the context of the performance. Most fiction in print, on TV, in movies and in theater is obviously fictional. Sometimes there is an annotation that it is “based on a true story,” or more dramatically “ripped from the day’s headlines.” Daisey made no such disclaimers for The Agony. In fact, he was quite clear in presenting it as autobiography – he went to China to find out the truth about how his iPhone was made, then came back and told the story. He made this clear both in the performance itself and in interviews before and afterwards. He went so far as to call on the audience to write to executives at Apple, insisting that Apple change their ways.

In the playbill for the performance at the Berkeley Rep. there was an interview with Daisey. Here is one significant question from that interview:

Do you consider your work a form of journalism?

Given the state of journalism today I don’t know if I should be slightly insulted. (Laughs.) No, I do actually. I think that journalism should be part of most art that we make. Because we should know what is happening in the world, we should know it in our bones and it should inform our work. I feel like the impulse in the theatre, and in many other art forms, is to distance ourselves from the concerns of the day in an attempt to then get an overview of life, but I think that’s a false dichotomy. I think that actually being cheek by jowl with life itself, with things that are actually happening, affords us an opportunity to have a specific dialogue that doesn’t exist otherwise. It lets us find these charged elements that can pull us along like a magnet and pull us somewhere where catharsis is possible. So I do think journalism is a huge part of it. Journalism has a fantastic framework to live up to: the attempt to actually transmit the truth even despite all the difficulties inherent to that undertaking. I find it very inspiring. A lot of my heroes are journalists.

I have seen other monologues where the question of truth is irrelevant. I was fortunate to see Spaulding Grey perform several times. Each of his performances was presented as autobiographical. But in interviews, he was clear that they were performances – stories from his life, yes, but embellished and crafted to appeal to his audience. But even if he hadn’t fessed up to using creative license, why would I care? There is no consequence to Spaulding Grey fictionalizing his coming to grips with losing his vision to macular degeneration, or learning to ski, or performing in the movie The Killing Fields. He did not tell us a story and then ask the audience to go out and donate to macular degeneration research, or teach a child to ski. Ivan Coyote tells amazing stories about being a lesbian growing up in the Yukon. They’re great. They’re compelling. She takes the audience to the Yukon with her and shows us what it is like to grow up different. If it were to turn out that Ivan Coyote is actually heterosexual man from Hawaii, who cares? The stories told by Coyote don’t need to be true.

But Daisey framed his work as non-fiction. Autobiography. Journalism – and important journalism at that! The Agony was presented as an entertaining way to get across a major message about human rights violations in Chinese factories. So we all focused our attention on Chinese factories, looking to ferret out the evil that Daisey had uncovered. Finding out that the amount of abuse was wildly exaggerated, and reportage fictional, is a huge blow. It is especially problematic in a world where other human rights violations really are going on! Right now, today, children are bought, sold, and stolen in West and Central Africa work as slaves in the cocoa plantations of the Ivory Coast (no joke!)

So I am saddened. I feel tricked. Yes, I got my money’s worth from my ticket to see The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs; It was engrossing and entertaining. A wonderful performance. A tour de force. I just wish Daisey had been upfront that it was a work of fiction “based on a true story,” and was presented for entertainment, not education.



This past November I attended the Community Food Security Coalition Annual conference [note: this organization is now defunct.] On the final day of the conference, in the final couple of hours at the conference, I met a woman named Susan Youmans. It turns out that she has an online radio talk show called "What's for Dinner" on CyberStationUSA.com. At some point during our conversation I told her that I was a culinary historian. She said "Wow! We've never interviewed a culinary historian before." Before I knew it, we were doing an impromptu half-hour interview.

I made a few mistakes during interview. I really wasn't planning on doing an interview and much of the first part of the conversation focused on how I got interested in culinary history. As a result I ended up talking about a lot of topics which I haven't thought about for several years. So, I had to do a lot of remembering on the fly. Still, I'd say I did a reasonably good job representing culinary history.

[Update: The interview was available on "What's for Dinner", but the early interviews of that show are now gone. Click below to hear a copy from SoundCloud.]




By the way, part way through I was desperately trying to remember the name of a Mexican recipe, and I referred to it as "Alegaria", but the word I was looking for was "Alegría."


Some years back I was playing around with cooking with flowers. I made rose petal jam (the most beautiful jam I have ever made), lavender jelly (smelled of lavender but pretty much tasted like apple jelly), Rosolio (Italian rose liquor), various nasturtium recipes, and so forth. Of the flowers, I most enjoyed using roses as an ingredient. I generally used the flowers of a fairly common but rather old-fashion climbing rose called Rosa 'Cecile Brunner'. My neighbor at the time had a huge plant climbing into a tree that overhung my yard, so it was easy to harvest endless 'Cecile Brunner' flowers. They are quite pale, so they don’t impart much color (a problem for the Rosolio), but they have a nice smell and flavor. When I moved to my new house I planted a Rosa 'Cecile Brunner' vine of my own.

Eventually I decided to go “off the reservation” and start inventing. This “Rose-Lavander Pooh Bear” is my favorite creation from that time.

Ingredients:

  • Milk (I use whole cows milk)
  • Honey
  • Rose flower petals
  • Lavender flower heads

This is one of those recipes where everything is annoyingly variable based on the ingredients you have available and your personal taste. What kind of roses you are using, what time of day they are picked, how mature they are, and so on, will completely dictate the amount of flavor they produce. Similarly for lavender – varietal, time of year, weather, and so forth will create very different results. Finally the honey is dependent on the type of honey, how much sweetness you enjoy, and how much you want to have the honey flavor balance with, sit behind, or mask the flowers' flavors.


For a portion that I recently made I used about 12oz of milk. I added roughly1.5 Tbs honey, the petals from 6 Rosa ‘Cecile Brunner’ flowers, and 4 lavender flower heads.


Method:

  • Steep the rose petals (not the stems, sepals, stamens, etc.) and lavender flower heads in the milk over low heat until the flavor is infused into the milk. Probably about 10 minutes.
  • Taste the milk along the way to see how the flavor is progressing.
  • When the flower flavor is good, add honey to taste
  • Bring to a scald to get it nice and hot (do not boil)
  • Strain
  • [Optional] After straining you can froth it with an immersion blender if you like. I enjoy it that way, but it is one more piece of equipment to clean, so I usually only froth it for guests.

I used to garnish the drink with a rose flower or additional rose petals, but really they just get in the way. Now I serve it straight up in a coffee or cocoa mug.


Yummy, Pooh!

ÖÄKLÄND TOUGHENS IMAGE WITH UMLAUTS 

OAKLAND, CA, 11/4/2011 -- In a move designed to make their city seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," the City of Oakland, California officially changed their name Friday. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the City of Öäkländ is not to be messed with," said Mayor Jean Quan. An upcoming redesign of the city’s official seal will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new city theme song is also in the works by composer Ozzy Osbourne, tentatively titled "Ripping the veins from the neck of Öäkländ (with my teeth)."

Said Sue Piper, Special Assistant to the Mayor for Communications, “Oakland has always had a well-deserved reputation as a bad-ass city. From the pirate logo of our Oakland Raiders football team to our best-of-breed riots, Oakland can't be beat for being tough. Add to that the BART Police shooting unarmed citizens, rampant gang violence, and dog fighting, and you can tell that Oakland is an exciting place to live. But the name ‘Oakland’ just doesn't express who we really are. The old name ‘Oakland’ makes people think of forests of oak trees and bucolic landscapes, so we are very pleased about this new re-branding that toughens up our name."

The City Administrators Office noted that all official stationary has been reprinted with the new name and logo, but they may be delayed indefinitely in replacing signs, seals, and banners around the city. This due to the ongoing Occupy Oakland protests making it impossible for public works to access certain buildings, and as a result of an unanticipated lack of funding.

<note: this is based on an old piece by The Onion, 04-30-1997 to whom credit is well deserved.>