By | Friday, November 04, 2011 Leave a Comment


OAKLAND, CA, 11/4/2011 -- In a move designed to make their city seem more "bad-assed and scary in a quasi-heavy-metal manner," the City of Oakland, California officially changed their name Friday. "Much like Mötley Crüe and Motörhead, the City of Öäkländ is not to be messed with," said Mayor Jean Quan. An upcoming redesign of the city’s official seal will feature the new name in burnished silver wrought in a jagged, gothic font and bolted to a black background. A new city theme song is also in the works by composer Ozzy Osbourne, tentatively titled "Ripping the veins from the neck of Öäkländ (with my teeth)."

Said Sue Piper, Special Assistant to the Mayor for Communications, “Oakland has always had a well-deserved reputation as a bad-ass city. From the pirate logo of our Oakland Raiders football team to our best-of-breed riots, Oakland can't be beat for being tough. Add to that the BART Police shooting unarmed citizens, rampant gang violence, and dog fighting, and you can tell that Oakland is an exciting place to live. But the name ‘Oakland’ just doesn't express who we really are. The old name ‘Oakland’ makes people think of forests of oak trees and bucolic landscapes, so we are very pleased about this new re-branding that toughens up our name."

The City Administrators Office noted that all official stationary has been reprinted with the new name and logo, but they may be delayed indefinitely in replacing signs, seals, and banners around the city. This due to the ongoing Occupy Oakland protests making it impossible for public works to access certain buildings, and as a result of an unanticipated lack of funding.

<note: this is based on an old piece by The Onion, 04-30-1997 to whom credit is well deserved.>
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