SIGAL 2016 – A NEW CANDIDATE FOR A NEW DAY
I have been watching the Republicans for some months now, and I've learned a lot from them. I am now ready to announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America.
I will be running as a Republican. Some of you might be asking what qualifications I have to be President, and why am I running on the Republican ticket. Clearly you are not familiar with my record, so let me fill you in.
I spent 16 years as the chairman of the Republican National Committee, during which time I took that organization from a $3 million deficit, to a $14 billion surplus. Using those funds, I personally increased Republican voter registration to unprecedented levels.
I have outstanding executive experience from my time as governors of both Massachusetts and Alabama. My fiscal policies in Massachusetts allowed me to lower taxes in that state to the lowest in the nation, while I tripled job growth in Alabama.
As for foreign policy experience, I was the chief negotiator for the Allies at Versailles. Later, as Richard Nixon’s Secretary of State, I was instrumental in bringing about his famous 1972 visit to China and meeting with Mao Zedong. I have a proven track record that shows that I know how to manage foreign leaders. In fact, just last year Vladimir Putin tried to kiss me in a bathroom at de Gaulle airport, but I was able to say to him, "No, Vlad. Not here. Not now."
Don’t bother to fact check any of this, I promise you that it is all 100% true. Besides, only a terrorist would question the veracity of a Republican.
[Oh, and I happen to know that Donald Trump and Carly Fiorina are having an affair.]
Thank you. I look forward to your support.
SIGAL 2016 – BECAUSE 14 CANDIDATES AREN’T ENOUGH
SIGAL 2016 - BECAUSE STRENGTH MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY
My fellow Americans, my candidacy is rooted in a platform of freedom and liberty. Nothing is more important to Americans than the freedom to have liberty when they are free. I will safeguard your liberty and make sure that freedom freely rings across this great land - a land grounded in the free expression of that liberty. I will liberally use the word "freedom", and freely speak out for freedom and liberty in this land of the free. I will use the freedom that I feel when liberty courses through my veins to inspire free liberty and freedom for all.
Thank you for your support. Stay free.
SIGAL 2016 - WILLING TO SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR
SIGAL 2016 – A WORLD APART
As your President, first thing, day one, I will make it illegal to give a child a name that is hard to pronounce. I will also direct the office of homeland security to stop letting anyone into the country whose names involve funny letters like that "O" with a slash through it. What is that anyway? My name is made up of good old USA American letters. That "O" with a slash through it, I just don’t know about that. No one whose name contains an "O" with a slash through it, or unnecessary dots on top, will be let into the country until our representatives are able to investigate what that is all about.
SIGAL 2016 – OUR ALPHABET IS OUR FIRST LINE OF DEFENCE
SIGAL 2016 - KNOW YOUR BORDERS AND BORDER YOUR KNOWLEGE
As your President I will secure our borders. I will set up a 3000-mile-long row of piñatas across our southern border, since it is well known that no Mexican can pass a piñata without having a party.
SIGAL 2016 – BECAUSE LAUGHING IS BETTER THAN CRYING
SIGAL 2016 – IF YOU VOTE FOR SOMEONE ELSE, THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON
Under a Sigal presidency, you can rest assured that I will punch terrorists right in the nose!
SIGAL 2016 - FAKE IT 'TILL YOU MAKE IT
SIGAL 2016 – BOLDLY THINKING WHAT NO ONE HAS THOUGHT BEFORE
When you make me your President, I will bring American jobs back to the US from China using a bold, three-part plan:
- I will move all the people from China to the US.
- I will give them jobs.
- I will mandate that lists of 3 things may include only 2 things.
SIGAL 2016 - CRAZY RHETORIC FOR A NEW AMERICA ®
SIGAL 2016 - KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT IS HALF THE BATTLE
Nothing is more important to Americans than feeling that they are safe. No other President will give you the sense of security that I will. I pledge to you that first thing, day one, I will work tirelessly to improve the perception of security that all Americans hold so dear.
SIGAL 2016 - MAKING YOU FEEL SAFE BY ENHANCING YOUR SENSE OF SECURITY
SIGAL 2016 – GREETING SAFETY FOR OUR CITIZENS
As your President, I promise that first thing, day one, Walmart greeters will no longer be allowed to use the internet.
SIGAL 2016 – I KNOW A THREAT WHEN I SEE ONE
I am deeply angered by my opponents’ baseless accusations that I am an atheist. According to Wikipedia, Christianity is the #1 most common religion in America, with Protestantism being the #1 form of Christianity. Evangelical Protestantism is the #1 sect of Protestantism, making up more than one quarter of the citizens of this great nation - the greatest nation that God has ever put on earth.
In keeping with my pledge to uphold American values and the American way of life, I say to you today that I have never been more proud to be an Evangelical Protestant.
SIGAL 2016 - IF ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR PINOCCHIO, ITS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
SIGAL 2016 - EVERYWHERE YOU WANT TO BE
Andrew Sigal is the only candidate that has been endorsed by both Rush Limbaugh and Rachel Maddow.
SIGAL 2016 – BRINGING AMERICA TOGETHER BY SPLITTING IT APART
SIGAL 2016 - STANDING UP FOR NOTHING BY STANDING UP FOR EVERYTHING
I am the only candidate who has the guts to tell our enemies, and our friends, across the globe, that we don't like them. Other candidates are willing use strong language to condemn those that would attack this country. But none among them will come out and say to our allies, "we hate you too." It is easy to stand up to your foes and threaten retaliation for their actions. It takes a really strong leader to go up against our supporters and let them know that they are on thin ice too.
SIGAL 2016 - STANDING UP FOR EVERYTHING BY STANDING UP FOR NOTHING
SIGAL 2016 - BAKING COOKIES FOR A BETTER TOMORROW
I want to be known as the Education President. I won’t do anything to improve education in this country, I just want to be known as the Education President.
SIGAL 2016 - AN APPLE A DAY IS A HELL OF A LOT OF APPLES
SIGAL 2016 - TALKING TOUGH WHILE TALKING
The stature of this nation on the world stage has fallen embarrassingly low. World leaders no longer want to come here to meet with our President. Even religious leaders such as the Pope refuse to visit America.
As President I will be committed to reversing this deplorable situation. To show the world that I mean business, I will direct the office of Homeland Security to deny entrance into the country by any foreign leader who refuses to come here.
SIGAL 2016 - CIRCULAR LOGIC IS BETTER THAN NO LOGIC AT ALL
I want you all to know that I know you are in pain, and I feel your pain. So, you rub my back and I'll rub yours - if you catch my drift.
SIGAL 2016 - WISHFUL THINKING FOR THE NEW MILLENIUM
SIGAL 2016 - THINKING THE NEWEST THOUGHTS
All of the candidates from both parties are old. I mean really, really, old. None of them understand the internet and technology the way I do.
As an engineer at Bolt, Baranek and Newman, I invented the internet, the mouse, and the iPhone. I am the only candidate who knows how to send an Evite to ISIS. Ask yourself, would you trust Jeb Bush to get the invite list right? Would Bernie Sanders know how to send out a reminder message? Does Ben Carson know what a computer is?
I don’t want a President that might be tricked into giving the nuclear launch codes to a Nigerian prince. Do you?
SIGAL 2016 - DELUSIONS ARE JUST CREATIVE THINKING THAT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND
SIGAL 2016 - ALL CAPITALS ARE FOR SLOGANS
On my web site you will find an eleven-point plan for developing a 14-point plan for reducing the deficit. All of the other candidates will tell you that they have a plan for reducing the deficit, but, when pressed for details, they always evade the question. This is because in reality they don't have a comprehensive plan for developing a plan for reducing the deficit.
With my detailed eleven point plan I am ready to hit the ground running, day one, to develop a plan for reducing the deficit.
SIGAL 2016 - A SLOGAN IS A SOUNDBITE WITH EMPHASIS
SIGAL 2016 – A TOUGH LEADER FOR TOUGH TIMES
Never before in our nation’s history have we faced more certain destruction. This country deserves a strong leader to lead it through these dangerous times. I am that leader.
My fellow Americans, as President, I will do whatever it takes to keep our country safe. Nothing is more important than the safety of this, the greatest nation on earth. Not even the first amendment is more important than our safety. Not the third, forth, or fifth amendments. Not even the sixth through 27th amendments to our Constitution are as important as our safety. After all, if we don’t feel safe, how can we enjoy those liberties that we each take for granted every single day.
As your leader I will act strongly, swiftly, and decisively to protect America and its Americans. If those in Congress won’t act with me, I will appoint Congress-people that will. It has never been more important for the Congress to line up behind their Republican leader.
Everyone knows that there is nothing more patriotic than supporting your democratically elected Republican President. As my mother told me, if anyone in Congress or the media doesn’t have something nice to say about their Republican President, then they shouldn’t say anything at all.
Now is the time for all citizens, young and old, tall and short, Christian and Catholic, white and tan, boy and man, to pull together as one. With Congress and the Judiciary solidly supporting a true leader - one that knows that leadership means leading - we will restore the safety and security of our country once more. I am that true leader.
SIGAL 2016 – LEADING THROUGH LEADERSHIP
SIGAL 2016 - COOL IDEAS FROM A HOT HEAD
I am the only candidate that really understands the threat that global warming poses to America and our American way of life. As your President, I will face this threat head on. I will direct the Army Corps of Engineers to build a wall across our southern border to stop the hot air from Mexico entering our country. I will also build a wall of fans along our northern border to keep our country cool.
I will do this first thing, day one.
As for the impact of global climate change on other countries? Let 'em buy their own damned fans.
SIGAL 2016 - BREAKING WIND FOR AMERICA
SIGAL 2016 – A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH THE TRUTH
The other candidates for President have shown time and again that they cannot be trusted. They will lie for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Tonight I want to assure you that I will always tell you the truth - except when you don’t want to hear it, or when it would be bad for you, or when it might hurt my chances of being elected.
A Sigal White House will have a policy of 100% transparency about every issue where we feel that you need 100% transparency. With Andrew Sigal as your President, you need never worry about discovering something terrible that you didn’t want to know.
This is my pledge to you.
SIGAL 2016 – WHEN THE TRUTH JUST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
Vote SIGAL in 2016
Thank you for your support!
SIGAL 2016 – TINFOIL HATS FOR EVERYONE
SIGAL 2016 – TINFOIL HATS FOR EVERYONE