New York (AP) -- December 15, 2015 -- Donald Trump withdraws from presidential race.
Speaking to a capacity crowd at Trump Tower, Donald J. Trump announced today that he is withdrawing his name as a candidate for President of the United States.
Earlier in the day the Trump campaign put out a press release saying only that he had an announcement to make, and that “it’s going to be huge.” Expecting a signature remark insulting a major ethnic or religious group, the media packed the lobby of the 68-story tower venue. But no one knew how “huge” this announcement was really going to be. Trump’s surprise statement drew gasps from the crowd.
Trumps speech was uncharacteristically brief. He noted that his goal in running for the nomination as the Republican candidate was to ruin the Republican Party and demonstrate what a “bunch of numbskulls” they had fielded as candidates. He stated that by taking positions that were “idiotic”, “unconstitutional”, and “wildly inflammatory”, he was able to prod the other candidates into showing their true colors as “demented and even demonic.”
“Trying to meet or beat the nonsense that I was spouting off, each of the other Republican candidates have made statements that pretty much guaranty they could never be elected”, said Trump.
After his prepared statement, one member of the press regained their ability to speak long enough to ask Trump what made him decide to withdraw from the race at this time.
“My work is done here,” he stated flatly. “I expected to have to stay in until Super Tuesday, but this was a slam dunk.” He added, “Everyone knows I am the greatest in the world at selling people shit, but even I didn’t know I was this great.” Though he did concede that “no one could have predicted the impact of that lunatic Carson,” in helping to unhinge voters, candidates, and the party. “Every time I made a crazy statement, Carson would reply with something even more off-the-wall. That was a gift that kept on giving,” said Trump, smiling broadly.
“I’m really excited about getting this thing put to bed so I can get some golf in over the holidays,” he noted.
Mr. Trump turned from the podium as audience members variously fainted, cried, reached for hip flasks, or began speaking gibberish into their microphones.
But Trump had one more surprise up his sleeve. Turning back to the audience he made a final comment. “Before I go, I just want to apologize to women, Mexicans, Muslims, golfers, and thinking people everywhere,” he said. Trump then ripped off his toupee and used it to wave to the crowd, while stepping onto the up-escalator of the building, ascending into the tower from which he had emerged just six short months earlier.
The Republican Party was not immediately available for comment.
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