April 20, 2017, 11:35 AM EDT
Washington, DC (AP) -- At a press conference today, newly appointed Surgeon General, Dr. Bob “Biff” Tannen, reported that an additional 216 workers on the Trans-Mexico Peace Wall have come down with the Zika virus, bringing the total to 892. When asked about the Government’s response to this health crisis, Dr. Tannen replied that he and President Trump had come up with a plan to stop the virus, which he described as “tremendous.” Pressed for details, the Surgeon General would only say that the plan would “win against Shitka [sic]” and that it was “the best plan ever.” He also noted that Mexico would be paying for the Zika eradication program.
Dr. Thomas Frieden, respected expert on the Zika virus and former Director of the CDC, was contacted for his thoughts on the outbreak at his new home in Geneva, Switzerland. When asked about the Trump-Tannen plan for fighting Zika, Dr. Frieden responded, “Call me in four years. Until then I recommend holding your breath.” Frieden, and much of the rest of the CDC staff, emigrated after President Trump defunded the CDC, using their budget to purchase gold letters and “dazzle lighting” for the Washington Monument Renovation project.